Own your face
Welcome back, incredible BookDuck fans. Are you someone who believes appearance says the least about someone and what matters is who they are as a person? Then keep listening as we explore Robert Hoges' TED talk, where he speaks about owning our face and accepting ourselves the way we are.
He starts with his example. It is noticeable that he has some facial deformities, which have been around for a while. He had a massive tumor at the front of his face, which formed early in his development. It was at the top of his forehead and went down to where the tip of his nose should have been. In the 1970s, there were no prenatal scans, so his parents did not know that was coming. His mother realized something was wrong right when he was born, and her first question was, "Is my baby OK? The doctor said, "No, he is not ok". The mother was told that something was wrong with his head and legs. She hadn't seen him before, and right when he was born, he was taken to the nursery, and she went back to the mother's ward. She stayed there for about a week, refusing to see him. People visited her, but no one visited Hoge besides his father. The mother refused to see her newborn baby. But eventually, she changed her mind and went to see him. But she rejected him and decided she couldn't connect with that face. She didn't want to own him. So, she went home a week later while he stayed at the hospital. The mother was worried about the impact that bringing him home would have on his brothers and sisters. Over a month or so, her view started to soften a bit. And she decided to ask the siblings what they thought. One Saturday morning, they sat down and had a family discussion, and they talked about his face and legs and whether they should bring him home. They asked the siblings if they should bring Hoge home. And one by one, the siblings said yes.
So, he went home, and his parents now had to take him out into the big wide world, and when they did, they started to notice people's reactions. And he remembers it was pretty funny.
He then speaks about participation in society. He says it's probably the fact that he has no legs that has more impact than his face. When people meet him for the first time, he says they often don't realize he has prosthetics. He says we are judged by our faces. He remembers the times when other children would look at him weirdly. So, by the time he was about four, doctors spoke with his parents and told them that they wanted to do a major surgery on Robert's face to make it look a little bit more normal and for him to be able to socialize at school. Before that, he had other surgeries performed, one to remove the tumor on the front of his face and a few other minor things. But this one would be a big one where about 40 different surgical procedures would be performed. After explaining to the parents what they would do, the doctors explained the risks, such as excessive bleeding, infections, and the worst, a one in four chance that their son may die on the operating table.
His dad began to argue with his mother and the doctors about why they would risk their son dying just for pride in appearance. They went back and forth arguing for months, and it came to the point where his mother threatened to leave my father and sign off the permission for the operation to proceed on her own. Luckily, it didn't come to that. His father eventually agreed, and he survived. He mentions how he looked a little bit more human.
Next, he skipped ahead to when he was 14. He remembers the names he was being called Jake the Peg, Pinocchio, and those things stopped him from being comfortable with his own face. Those were also the things that prevented him from owning his face.
Next, the doctors started talking to his parents about another operation because, at that stage in his life, he started to notice girls noticing his face. The doctors also realized this. So they said they would do another big operation. And by that time, he had already undergone two dozen procedures. The doctors again went over the risks, which were the same ones. This time there was also a one-in-four chance that he might go blind. This time his parents told him to decide whether to do it. He was in the 9th grade, and he didn't know how to make the decision. So they sat at the kitchen table to see what he should do. Once Hoge spoke about the risk of going blind, his brother made a significant comment which changed his life. His brother said what use is pretty if you can't see yourself. At that instant, Hoge owned his face.
Before that time, his entire life had been governed by his appearance, but he never had much say. The comment from his brother made him realize that he had a choice and could own his face by exercising that choice. He was done being the doctor's canvas. He believes it was the right decision.
He wraps up his speech by mentioning how we try to define ideal beauty like Mount Everest, and everyone needs to climb it. That's wrong. Ideal beauty is much better when we consider it as a million different points on the map.
To sum up, Robert Hoge speaks about his challenges because of looking different. He encourages people not to create one definition and ideal of beauty but be open to different looks. Own, accept, and appreciate your face. Next time you look in the mirror, don't look away from the mirror so quickly; understand the love, life, and pain that is part of your face.
